And coping with grief and loss
What we dive into in this episode:
Whether it’s the death of a loved one or a change in career, that summertime sadness sneaks up on us when we least expect it. In this episode, Haley and Noel gently remind us that grieving is an important and necessary part of life. They encourage listeners that working through grief is possible with therapy, support, and Jesus.
Today on Revive Her:
- Outlining symptoms of grief
- Biblical truth about loss and grief
- Healing after loss
- Confronting grief
- Realizing the importance of grief
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What is Grief?
Grief is an emotion that rears its ugly head when we lose something or someone close to us. It teaches us about love, and loss, and gives us a perspective we can’t gain anywhere else. But often, it’s something we don’t know how to cope with in a healthy way.
We often think grief and loss are only around death, but it’s more than death. It’s loss of any kind that includes friends, moving homes, changing churches or communities. It can be a loss of health, jobs, safety, or experiencing trauma. Grief can come up with just the sheer fear of loss, even if you haven’t lost anything yet.
Sometimes we can be grieving and not even know it.
What is Anticipatory Grief?
Anticipatory grief is when you have expected or anticipated a loss. This can be especially difficult to get over, as you feel as though you lose the person or thing daily until you do. This type of grief can also lead to more guilt than other types of grief, as it often brings a sense of relief once you do eventually lose the person.
What is Disenfranchised Grief?
Disenfranchised grief is when you mourn a loss that is not socially or publicly mourned by others. This could be the loss of a pet, a miscarriage, loss of jobs, or loss of physical health.
The 6 Stages of Grief
We all experience loss and grief differently. Some people feel insane, others experience insomnia, many question closely held beliefs, and sometimes people even buy crazy things. That mid-life crisis car? Yeah, that can be grief too! But there are some major common threads to look for when grieving. Just remember, whatever your experience is, it’s normal and with time and proper support, it too shall pass.
What is Denial in Grief?
If you’re feeling shock and disbelief about your loss – you’re not alone. It’s one of the first feelings you might experience when dealing with a loss. This is an important step in the process of grief, as it helps you to survive until you’re ready to process the event. During this denial stage, you might find yourself pretending your loved one is still here, denying that you’re a victim of abuse, or that the marriage could be saved. Whatever it is, give yourself lots of grace in this stage, as you give yourself time to adjust to a new way of life.
What is Anger in Grief?
Anger is usually the next and one of the most important phases to go through, as it grounds you into reality and forces connection with others (even if it’s an unstable and perhaps volatile connection.) We can feel angry at ourselves for “not doing more,” at others who “didn’t help enough,” or even at God for allowing the loss. Anger forces us to deal with the reality of what’s happening and start to question the “why” of what is happening, which allows us to process the loss. Make sure that you allow yourself to feel this anger fully in this stage – the faster you can allow yourself to feel it, the faster the feeling will dissolve.
What is Bargaining in Grief?
When we begin to bargain to get out of grief, it’s a way to try to avoid loss and change our circumstances. It might take the shape of offering things in exchange for keeping someone alive, or maybe it’s simply what-if statements like “what if I had gone to marriage counseling sooner.” Bargaining can also look like replaying the scenario over and over again and trying to figure out what you could have done differently. This stage of grief is often where feelings of guilt and shame will show up. We can even start to compare our lives with other people’s lives and say things like “Why my child and not theirs?”
What is Depression in Grief?
Depression often sets in after we realize that no amount of replaying, bargaining, or guilt will change our present situation. This part of grief often feels the longest and can be met with feelings of loneliness and hopelessness. It’s important to realize that although this season can feel long and hard, it’s not the end of your grief journey. Allow yourself to fully feel the deep sadness and process it as best you can.
What is Acceptance in Grief?
Acceptance doesn’t mean that everything is “fine.” It simply means that you are finally able to confront what happened as a reality. We may never be “the same” person as before, but acceptance is about finding who you are in this new reality.
How to Find Meaning in Grief?
Once we’ve made it through the five stages of grief, the last and final moment can be learning to live and move forward without the people we have lost or opportunities that didn’t come to fruition. Finding new meaning to our grief can look like memorializing those we’ve lost in some way or getting involved in the new area we’ve moved to. This stage is all about breathing new life into your new reality.
Physical Symptoms of Grief
Grief isn’t always emotional. Your body carries physical symptoms of grief as well like: Fatigue, weight loss/gain, insomnia, body aches, nausea, muscle weakness, numbness, gastrointestinal upset, tension, etc. If you’re experiencing these physical symptoms it can be helpful to focus on taking care of yourself during this hard time. Focusing on things like a good night’s sleep, eating well, and exercising can make or break your healing journey.
It’s important to stay away from alcohol and drugs to try to numb the pain or “feel better.” Using these sorts of tools to self-medicate can lead to serious lifelong addictions.
What Does the Bible Say About Grief?
Grief is a universal feeling. Everyone experiences loss at some point in their lives, and people in biblical times were no exception. In the book of Psalms, David often expressed his grief openly. He shared his emotional struggles with God during times of separation, after the death of his son, and when he felt threatened by Saul.
Job experienced a series of devastating losses, and Jeremiah, known as the “weeping prophet,” mourned deeply over the fate of Israel. Even Jesus, as noted in John 11:35, wept over the loss of Lazarus.
The Bible portrays grief as a natural and shared experience, free from shame or condemnation. God shows us that grief is a way to deeply feel and acknowledge our vulnerabilities and needs. Grief is an experience we will only have earthside. It’s a radically human experience and was never God’s intended plan. And yet, He promises that he will mend, stay close, and care for those who are hurting and broken.
Bible Verses about Grief
If you’re feeling alone, remember that God is near. “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18
If you’re feeling hopeless in your grief, God promises you will be comforted. “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” Matthew 5:4
If you feel like it will never end, remember we can hope for a day where He will wipe every tear and there will be no more mourning. “He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” Revelation 21:4
A reminder that Jesus can heal you. “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3
A reminder that He doesn’t need you to do anything. Rest in Him. “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30
The suffering we experience in this life is limited to this life. Our suffering has an end date when we meet Jesus face to face. “For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.” Romans 8:18
How Do We Allow Jesus to Heal Us?
Let Your Emotions Out
Have you ever felt the urge to cry, to get angry, or to ask questions? It’s important not to brush aside what’s bubbling up inside. Our emotions are like signals that point us towards something we need. They push us towards action, and sometimes that action involves simply allowing ourselves to feel as part of the process of moving forward.
There are moments when the intensity of emotions, especially during times of grief, might need to be set aside temporarily for safety or practical reasons. However, we can always find spaces where it’s okay to let those emotions rise to the surface. Whether you’re driving or in a crowded room, it might help to take a moment, pull over, or step into a quieter space where you can let your emotions flow.
When you sense those emotions emerging, give yourself permission to feel them. You don’t always have to fully understand them right away, but it’s important to let them pass through you, to be processed in their own time.
Grieve with Yourself and Others
Grieving alone lets you do whatever you need at the moment without feeling judged or worrying about what people are thinking. Grieving alone lets you do exactly what you need to with no hindrance. Plus, it gives us time to talk to God and spend time with Him uninterrupted. Being alone makes space for God to speak to us.
But, as necessary as grieving alone is, God also wants us to grieve with other people, too.
Romans 12:15 tells us to “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.”
Letting others share in our grief provides something unique that we can’t achieve alone. Our brains are wired to respond to the emotions and expressions of those around us. When we experience empathy and support from others, it can help us heal and gain fresh perspectives. Connecting with people during tough times can fundamentally change how we process our grief and contribute to our overall emotional recovery.
Accept Reality
We have to come to terms with the truth of our circumstances and relationships, both before and after experiencing loss. Accepting reality is crucial for navigating grief in a healthy way. It’s natural to feel a mix of emotions like sadness, anger, or confusion when our hopes and expectations aren’t met, especially in our connections with others. Continuously hoping for things to be different can put unnecessary pressure on ourselves and those around us, preventing us from embracing the good that God has in store for us.
Choosing acceptance means confronting the truth about who someone or something was, or who they won’t be, at least for now. Acceptance involves acknowledging both the positive and negative aspects of a situation and mourning the things we cannot attain. For example, it might involve you grieving the absence of loving care from a parent who couldn’t or wouldn’t provide it. Healthy grief recognizes the loss of love, kindness, or the desired changes that never materialize.
Recognize Ambiguous Loss
One of the most challenging forms of grief is when we lose a connection with someone who is still alive. This kind of loss can stem from divorce, the decline of physical or mental health, or the end of relationships due to someone else’s decisions or the need to establish healthy boundaries.
The losses we experience from relationships that fade away while the other person is still alive might not always be understood by others. You might have been told to just be thankful for what you have left. But it’s important to recognize that we can appreciate the good times while also acknowledging the reality of the loss if we want to grieve healthily.
Another type of loss that might feel overlooked is when we make positive life changes. While we might be excited about these decisions, like taking on a new job or embracing new challenges, they often come with leaving behind what was familiar. These losses related to personal growth are still losses and deserve acknowledgment.
It’s okay to feel sadness or grief even as you look forward to the future. It’s all part of the journey toward healing and growth.
Allow Room for Grief to Breathe
Grief doesn’t adhere to a strict schedule. If someone suggests that you’ve been grieving for too long, they might be projecting their own discomfort with loss. Others might impose their expectations on us regarding how quickly we should recover from grief. However, if someone urges us to move on, or if we feel pressured to rush through grief, it’s important to pause and reflect. Grief might have transformed into depression, or we might have been denying it the space it requires.
Emotions need time to settle, and we need space to adjust to our new circumstances. We can’t hasten the healing process by ignoring our emotional needs or by avoiding actions that align with the person we aspire to become in our changed reality. It’s about honoring our own pace and giving grief the time and attention it deserves.
Coping Skills for Grief
Self-care. Make sure you’re drinking lots of water, exercising, and eating healthy, balanced meals. This is the time to focus on yourself and your healing.
Keep the status quo. This is not the time to make rash, impromptu decisions. A new car, house, or job can wait until the grieving process has run its course.
Join a Support Group. Be around others who have been through the same loss. There’s not going to be anyone other than Christ who truly understands your pain, but others who’ve experienced similar situations can come close. Don’t isolate yourself during this time.
Find Professional Support. Don’t be afraid to seek professional help. There are more tools available to you than you know now.
Talk to your doctor. Sometimes grief can overwhelm your body, mind, and spirit so much that you need some help through medications to get better. Just like when your body is tired and sick and needs help to get better, sometimes your mind does too. Don’t be afraid to utilize more tools in your toolbox.
Be patient and kind to yourself. Mourning is a difficult emotion to manage. Give yourself time, space, and kindness to heal. If you wouldn’t say it to your best friend, you shouldn’t say it to yourself.
Why Confronting Grief Matters
Unchecked grief sets off a chain reaction of consequences. Internally, our bodies bear the burden of heightened stress, impacting our immune systems and vitality. Externally, we may find ourselves reacting emotionally in ways that seem disproportionate to the situation, often due to unresolved grief lingering beneath the surface. In failing to address our grief, we risk becoming wounded individuals, inadvertently causing harm to those around us as we evade the healing process.
As Christians, we hold onto the hope of God’s presence and guidance, regardless of our circumstances. He has provided us with healthy avenues to navigate grief, promising us a life of abundance as He intended (John 10:10). May you discover this truth as you journey through your grief.
How to Help Others Grieve
Share the burden. Give your friend space to talk about the loss with no judgment or interruptions.
Sit in the valley. Sometimes the only thing someone needs is for you to just be there. You don’t need to say or do anything, they may just need you to sit with them.
Avoid platitudes. Steer clear from things like “God needed another angel” or “You’ll feel better in time.” Instead, try to listen more than you speak, and when you do speak coat everything in compassion. Sometimes simply saying “I’m so sorry” is enough.
Offer help that’s clear and practical. Offering help by saying “I can bring food on Tuesday at 4:30 pm,” or “I would love to take the kids out for ice cream while you rest tomorrow,” or offering other practical services with specific times attached can be helpful to a grieving heart.
Be kind and patient. Don’t rush their mourning. Even if it seems as if someone is taking longer than you would to get over their loss, remember that everyone grieves differently.
Seek professional help together. Sometimes it can feel scary or overwhelming to find and book a therapy appointment alone. Offer to help them sift through therapists, book the appointment, and you could even offer to drive them to the appointment for emotional support.
A Reminder that Jesus Heals
Remember that you are not alone. There’s no roadmap for healing and it isn’t linear. Reach out for help when you need it and know that weeping may endure for the night but joy comes in the morning. Give yourself grace, because Jesus himself is giving you all the grace in this time.
Matthew 5:4 says “Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.”
Comfort feels far, but Jesus promises that when we mourn, we shall be comforted. He’s with us in the pain and in the loss. Even if He feels far, know that He’s right there in the thick of it with you, praying over you.
FAQs – For My Girlies Who Skim
What is grief?
Grief is the emotion we experience when we lose someone or something close to us. It can have different variations and everyone experiences grief differently. There are certain stages to look for like denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance, and meaning. These stages are not cookie-cutter or linear. You may experience all or none of these emotions at different times or even have a recurring emotion that spans several years.
How do I know if grief goes too far?
You may need to consider finding more help if you’re experiencing complicated grief. Complicated grief symptoms include panic-inducing intrusive thoughts, long-term emotional pain, or extreme avoidance of reminders around the loss. If you’re experiencing complicated grief, it’s important to know that you can receive help navigating this loss. You’re not alone, and there are tools available to help. You should seek immediate professional care.
What does Jesus say about my grief?
Grief is a universal experience, and people from biblical times were no exception. Jesus experienced grief over the loss of Lazarus even though he knew he was going to resurrect him moments later. Jesus also experienced grief in the Garden of Gethsemane before he was taken to be crucified. Jesus not only understands your grief, but he is compassionate toward it. He promises that you will be comforted and that your grief will not last forever. We can take comfort in knowing that grief will only be experienced in this lifetime and not the next.
How do I feel better?
First things first, make sure you’re taking care of your physical body. Eating healthy balanced meals, drinking enough water, and exercising are all important parts of healing from a loss. Next, we need to care for your mind. Make sure you’re surrounding yourself with loving and supportive friends and family. Reach out to therapists and support groups. This is not the time to isolate. Make sure you’re spiritually healthy, as well.
Keep yourself as in the word and as close to the Father as you can. Tape-post it with scripture to your mirror and read it to yourself. Turn on a podcast or have someone else read the Bible to you. Lean on your friends and families’ prayers and faith right now. Pray however you can – whether that’s all day long or a “God, help me” before going to sleep. Remind yourself that it’s enough and that Jesus himself is praying for you even now.
What do I say to a friend who’s grieving?
Avoid the platitudes and cliches that are normally said at funerals like “God has another angel in heaven.” Instead, focus on action-oriented practical tasks that you can accomplish for your friend, and then just sit and listen to them. Maybe they just want to sit in silence and cry. That’s ok! It’s enough for you to just be there with them as they mourn.
If you’re struggling with knowing how best to support your friend, feel free to ask them. You can say something like “I would love to support you during this time, could you give me direction on how best to support you?” Sometimes they may not know what they need, and that’s ok. After experiencing a loss, most people have trouble doing day-to-day things. Offer to help them do laundry, babysit, or wash dishes. This can allow them to prioritize caring for themselves.
