The Raw Truth of Miscarriages & Infertility
What we dive into in this episode:
When you’re drowning in the depths of loss and grief, losing yourself feels inevitable. Today on Revive her, Haley and Noel relive their darkest nights. Even though life may never be the same, they reassure listeners that leaning on God, connecting with support groups, and seeking therapy will carry them through the painful journey of miscarriage and infertility.
- What we dive into in this episode:
- Mental health during infertility
- Normalizing bitterness and jealousy
- Finding support groups and utilizing social media
- Leaning on God and therapy
- Empathizing with women struggling with miscarriages and infertility
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Noel’s Infertility Mental Health Journey
If you’re asking yourself how to deal with the difficulties of the infertility journey, you’re not alone. Noel’s right there with you. With expensive doctor’s appointments, ovulation tracking, and sex feeling more like a job than an intimate moment with her husband, Noel felt overwhelmed with the “job of getting pregnant.” When she surrendered it to Jesus, she would turn around and pick it right back up. After a while, her prayer for infertility felt angry at God and bitter at everyone else not struggling with pregnancy. Sitting in the doctor’s office, she prayed “God, if you loved me – you would bless me with a baby.” Fatigued and distraught, she went home and – as a last-ditch effort – took a pregnancy test that to her disbelief was positive. After taking seventeen more tests, she realized that while she cursed God, He had already blessed her with a child.
Even though Noel desperately wanted this baby, when Oakley was born, she struggled with postpartum depression. She didn’t feel how mommy’s are “supposed” to feel after having a baby. When she began to feel more like herself, she found out she was pregnant with Saylor. Her last positive pregnancy test was the happiest moment of her life, but this one felt like her saddest. She was afraid to go through postpartum again, afraid to lose herself again. But God showed up. Saylor saved her and showed her that she can conceive without treatments, have a healthy pregnancy, and have a newborn without struggling with postpartum. Through Saylor, Noel was able to see that God is able to “accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think” (Ephesians 3:20).
Haley’s Miscarriage Experience
While they may share similar experiences, infertility is different from loss. Unfortunately, Haley has experienced both. Although Haley never saw herself longing to be a mother, when she found out she was pregnant she bonded with her baby instantly. The same day she told her close friends and family, she woke up to incredible pain and a shocking amount of blood. Rushed to the emergency room, she waited an agonizingly long time for the doctor to tell her her baby was not viable due to an ectopic pregnancy caused by her endometriosis. The loss didn’t fully sink in until signing papers on where to put the remains of her baby before having to undergo emergency surgery.
Afterward, Haley and her husband started actively trying to get pregnant again. When she conceived, it felt like God had given her a fresh start and new hope. Her friends and family were confirming the pregnancy with dreams God had given them. Protection prayers and words of hope were spoken over this child, and yet Haley experienced another miscarriage. To add fuel to the flame, her sister and sister-in-law were pregnant during each of Haley’s pregnancies. Watching them raise their babies fueled jealousy and resentment in her heart that took time and therapy to overcome. She still struggles with the desire to become a mom, but also enjoys the freedom of not having children. Now that she’s on the other side of healing, Haley’s now at the place where she is open to whatever God has for her – children or being the best aunt to her nieces and nephews.
Envying Other Women
With infertility and miscarriage, it is normal to experience envy, jealousy, anger, and resentment towards other women. While we can’t stay and live with these feelings forever, we must realize that those feelings are normal and will fade once we start to heal from the trauma. Make sure to give yourself grace and set firm boundaries for yourself and others during this time. After experiencing loss or struggling with infertility, that may not be the best time to go to baby showers or help a friend with her newborn. It’s important to communicate your needs during this time to yourself and also to those close to you. Even if they don’t understand your desire for space and time to heal, it’s important that you take it for your sake and theirs.
Infertility Support Groups
Finding free grief support groups to carry you through this difficult time can be one of the most helpful things you can do for yourself and your loved ones. If someone close to you hasn’t experienced the pain of miscarriage or infertility it can be difficult for them to know what to say because they simply haven’t been there. Being able to hear others’ experiences and share your own story with someone who has been exactly where you are can help you to heal faster. While leaning on God is the most fulfilling support we will know, He’s also given us others to lean on during hard times. It’s our duty to be in community with one another and share in each other’s joys and burdens.
How to Support Someone Who Had a Miscarriage
When supporting someone who’s gone through a miscarriage or struggling with infertility it’s vital to understand the difference between compassion vs empathy. Compassion is what we can imagine someone going through. We can have compassion in plenty of situations that we can’t fully understand. Empathy, on the other hand, is when we have been through that situation. This is a different kind of understanding than compassion – a more knowing, a more intimate kind of understanding. When supporting someone who has gone through a miscarriage or infertility, encourage them to speak to a support group, therapist, or trusted empathetic friend. They should know they don’t have to get through this difficult time alone and that you’ll help them find the right avenues and people to get them through it.
Life won’t be the same after experiencing the grief of losing a child, but it doesn’t have to be the end of your story. God can still move, heal, and comfort you. Matthew 5:4 says “Blessed are those that mourn for they will be comforted.” We all experience grief at some point in our lives, but Jesus promises to fill that darkness with His light. Whatever we lack, we can rest assured that He is able to provide it.
