(How to stop people pleasing)
In the Christian community, we bear the people-pleasing cross all in the name of service, but Jesus never asked us to bear that cross. Today on Revive Her, Haley and Noel tackle the people-pleasing epidemic from a Christian viewpoint. They encourage listeners that it’s never too late to free yourself from the bondage of the fear of man and live a life pleasing to God.
What we dive into in this episode:
- Understanding people pleasing
- Changing our response to people-pleasing
- Navigating people-pleasing in relationships
- Discovering the root of our people-pleasing habits
- Fearing God and not man
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What is a People Pleaser?
Would you rather die than make someone else uncomfortable? Do you always put other people’s needs over your own? Do you feel responsible for other’s emotions? If you’re answering yes, you could be a pathological people pleaser. This episode’s for you.
How to Say No Politely
Keep It Simple
Us “people pleasers” always want to give a reason behind everything. Remember that you don’t need to offer a reason for every no. The answer can simply be no. We’ve found that the shorter the response, the better. “No, not at this time,” is a sufficient answer.
Let Me Pray About That
If you need some time to answer and are a Christian, we’ve got the perfect phrase for you! “Let me pray about that, and I’ll get back to you.” The best part is – you should be praying about these decisions, especially if you’re unsure about it. Don’t let anyone pressure you to make any decision quickly. Take time to really think and pray about it.
Say Yes to Yourself
Remember that saying no to someone else is saying yes to something you don’t want to do. The fact of the matter is, your time is valuable, and you can’t do everything. Prioritizing what you want to do and what you feel called to is not only important but absolutely necessary.
Fear of Man
Part of being a Christian means sacrificing your wants and desires for the good of the Kingdom. Philippians 2:4 says, “Let each of you look not only to his own interests but also to the interests of others.”
Sometimes, we confuse serving people out of the goodness of our hearts and fearing what people will think or say if we don’t. This is a watered-down view of serving your brother and sister in Christ. In fact, the apostle Paul speaks directly against this: “Am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ” (Galatians 1:10).
Paul is saying that the fear of man is dangerous to our relationship with Christ. If we are consistently focused on pleasing man over Christ, we will be tossed about like an ocean wave, and never fully invested in our relationship with God. Pleasing others can turn into an idol so easily, and we can easily put others where the Lord is supposed to be in our hearts.
So, how do we find the balance to love and care for others while also loving and caring for ourselves in a way that isn’t people pleasing…yet still people aware? We came across a detailed, inspiring story by a woman named Ilene Strauss who shared her struggle with pleasing people and how she started living life on her own terms.
Ilene’s Story
“Once upon a time, I was a major people-pleaser — a real pushover. I didn’t know where other people ended and I began, and my decisions were based on what would make other people happy or comfortable. I thought this made me easygoing, likable, and generally pretty cool. Little did I know that it really just made me lost, confused, and pretty unlikable. You see when you go through life as a pleaser, you aren’t living on your own terms. You think you’re being nice, agreeable, and drama-free, but keeping your true self beneath the surface doesn’t do anyone any favors. It just results in you being surrounded by rude, selfish, and unforgiving people who, instead of appreciating that you’ve put their needs first, treat you like a doormat.
For most of my life, I used people-pleasing in the same way other people use drugs, alcohol, food, or shopping — as a way to avoid the discomfort of others’ disapproval. When it came to being disliked, invalidated, or perceived as being in the wrong, I was a really big baby. I could get into my childhood traumas and the events that prompted my need to please; but more important than why this all started is how I learned to overcome it. Because if you’re anything like I was, you know that at some point, you have to stop trying to please others and do something for yourself for a change.
Sitting around praying for people to understand how much pressure they put on you — or hoping they’ll one day lessen their demands, drama, and constant urgencies — is futile. Without changing your own behaviors, this kind of wishing and hoping isn’t just foolish, it’s straight-up counterproductive. A few years ago, I realized that the only authentic way out of my people-pleasing dilemma was to start becoming aware of my own internal world, recognizing that the only person I could change was myself.”
I think we’ve all had this experience of wanting to please people in some way or another. Whether it stemmed from your family constantly praising you throughout childhood for being agreeable, like Noel. Or maybe you’re like Haley and have a fear of rejection and a feeling of responsibility for others’ emotions. Whatever it is, we can all relate to Ilene on some level or another.
Ok, so we all get it, people-pleasing is bad! But how do we stop?!
Tips and Tricks to Stop People Pleasing
Have a Strong Sense of Self
People’s pleasing normally comes from a deep root of insecurity and poor self-esteem. Looking at yourself internally will help you to see what’s really going on. Learning to express yourself instead of bottling up all of your emotions will help you open up to others more easily. Try not to get stuck in figuring out the why. It doesn’t matter as much as you think it does. Either be neutral with your emotions or just look at your reactions at the moment and make changes. Self-awareness is really about knowing what you’re doing now so that you can make the necessary changes for a better future.
Realize It’s Unhelpful
Although pleasing people feels like it may be helping your relationships, you’re actually not making any authentic relationships. Relationships are about knowing one another, knowing your true thoughts and feelings. When you hide behind the fear of pleasing others, no one ever gets to actually know who you are. They only get to know the person you pretend to be around them.
Be You
You matter. Your ideas, thoughts, and feelings are valid and should be able to be heard. Don’t just go with the flow to please the crowd. Keep your values close to you. It’s going to upset people at first, but in time that will compound into respect for you. Pretty soon, people will start coming to you asking for advice on how to set their own boundaries.
Forgive and Forget
Often we can be people-pleasing due to unresolved trauma from our past. Not offering forgiveness to others and ourselves can keep us stuck, living less than we dreamed. This can happen in families so often because we are more apt to just sweep things under the rug or bottle things up in the name of keeping the peace. Sweeping things under the rug, however, doesn’t really help you to actually forgive. You have to learn how to forgive first and then once you can do that wholeheartedly, then you can move on.
Be Uncomfortable
We people please because we don’t want to feel uncomfortable. When you first start setting those boundaries and you’re not used to it, it sucks. There will be lots of negative emotions like fear, doubt, and anxiety. Setting those boundaries brings up all that trauma. So we try to please to avoid all those uncomfy feelings. But, at the end of the day, you gotta choose your discomfort. People pleasing will be uncomfortable. Setting boundaries is gonna be uncomfortable too for a while, but eventually, you, your family, and friends will become accustomed to it. It won’t be uncomfortable forever.
Deal With Your Anxiety
When we are stressed out and overwhelmed with anxiety, it can be easy to just give in. Once we learn to manage those feelings and work through that anxiety, we are able to maintain better relationships with our family and friends. Not everything you do is going to upset your close relationships, and even if it does, we have to learn that their emotions are not our responsibility.
You are Valuable
You have inherent worth and value in this world. God created you because He thought the world needed your giftings and He has a good purpose for your life. If you continue to live less than and dim your light for others, then you are not living out the life that God created you for.
Serving Others
It’s hard to find that line between people pleasing and sacrificing for others. We should be serving others, but it all comes down to motive. Are you doing things for someone else’s approval? Are you saying things out of fear of rejection? Or are you simply doing it out of the goodness of your heart because the Lord is prompting you? You have to search your heart and your actions.
Ultimately, God searches the heart of every person and knows the inner workings of your mind, heart, and spirit. It’s never too late to live a free life — one that’s finally on your own terms and balanced. For us and Ilene, breaking out of the people-pleasing trap didn’t happen because we prayed that other people would change. Instead, we decided to find ways to change our own responses to people, discovering the roots inside us, and realizing how unhelpful pleasing behaviors were to us and those around us.
FAQs For My Girlies Who Skim
Is it biblical to say no?
Just because you love Jesus doesn’t mean you have to say yes to every “good” thing. Some things are not for you, and if you take them on then you’re going to be burnt out, resentful, and taking that spot from the person that God did put there.
What’s the difference between serving others and pleasing people?
The difference is your heart’s intention. Check yourself. Are you feeling resentful after saying yes? Do you feel obligated to serve? Are you worried if you say no that there will be consequences? Serving others should come from a place of love, not obligation.
What if I hate setting boundaries?
The truth is, everyone hates setting boundaries at first. They’re never a comfortable thing to do, especially if you’re not used to setting them. Once you start setting them, though, we promise it will get easier for you, your friends, and your family. Just give yourself time to get used to this new normal.
