Facing Confrontation
What we dive into in this episode:
Unless your name’s Noel Walker, the idea of having to face an external conflict or confrontation probably has you shaking in your boots. This week, Haley and Noel teach us how to navigate all types of conflict in a biblical way. By studying the fear behind confrontation, they give listeners the confidence to face any fight as if they were Noel herself.
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What is Conflict?
Conflict can be any disagreement between people or groups that can lead to potentially harmful miscommunications. When managed properly, conflict can be positive, developing critical thinking, new ideas, better teams, and creative resolutions.
Why Does Everyone Have A Fear of Conflict?
If you’re afraid of a little spat, you’re not alone. 85% of people experience conflict in their workplace, and 29% of those employees experience conflict almost constantly. The workplace isn’t the only place we experience conflict. Family conflict or even church conflict can haunt you for years if you don’t deal with it properly. Eventually, we’re all going to have to confront conflicts, but it can be difficult for most people due to a variety of factors including fear of failure and rejection, feeling overwhelmed, low self-esteem, and a lack of processing.
Fear of Rejection or Failure
Sometimes we can push off confrontation because we worry that we will be rejected, disliked, or even ostracized afterward. We might be afraid of being confronted due to a fear of failure in general. We may have feelings of others losing trust in us or concerns about becoming overly emotional during the confrontation.
Feeling Overwhelmed
We can sometimes feel as though the problem is too large to confront – perhaps there are too many instances or you don’t have any concrete solutions about how to fix the problem. We can also become increasingly concerned if there’s more than one person involved in the confrontation. Confronting one person can feel achievable, but the more people we try to confront the more challenging and intimidating it can feel.
Low Self Esteem
Whenever we lack confidence it can be difficult to present our side of the argument well. It can feel difficult to know and state clearly how you’re feeling, and can even feel easier to ignore the problem and try to move on. When we decide to shut down and close off, we enable others to treat us poorly and continue the cycle of low self-esteem for ourselves.
Lack of Processing
If we don’t allow ourselves to fully process the confrontation before speaking, we can escalate the conflict even further. The Bible encourages us in James 1:19-20, to be “quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” We encourage you to let things marinate and sink in before you react. Don’t be afraid to sit in the quiet, and remember that pausing before you speak is key. We do want to remind all revivers that we are NOT called to be unfiltered. We have to make sure we deliver the confrontation with kindness as Christ would.
How Do I Overcome the Fear of Confrontation and Conflict?
Ask Yourself What Happens When I Avoid Conflict
When we refuse to address conflicts and avoid difficult conversations, we set ourselves up to continually experience the same problems and stress. Ever heard “Nothing changes til something changes”? As stupid as it sounds, it is so true! We can’t expect a different outcome if we aren’t changing the circumstances.
Realize the Positives of Conflict
Dealing with problems directly leads to better relationships, problem-solving, and increased satisfaction. Handling conflict may not even lead to a huge payoff or something concrete – it could be as simple as peace of mind for yourself. Addressing issues at work, home, or church can improve relationships, create necessary boundaries, and bring inner peace to yourself and others.
Evaluate How You See Conflict
Confrontation can sometimes have a negative connotation in our minds that is not always true. Generally, the fear we feel comes from a miscommunication or misunderstanding around conflict. Approaching disagreements as a battle to be won instead of a misunderstanding that needs to be cleared up can heighten the anxiety around the confrontation. When we approach conflicts from a place of curiosity, and kindness, and with the end goal of resolution, we might find that things turn out better than we expected. Confrontation is healthy and necessary for growth when handled appropriately.
Address Behavior Instead of the Person and Remain Calm
When you’re talking about issues, focus on sharing your feelings rather than placing blame. Instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” try, “I feel ignored when you’re on your phone while I’m talking.” Be assertive but not aggressive, and avoid making sweeping statements like “always” or “never.” Speak in feelings rather than accusations about the person you’re addressing. If you cannot remain calm, then it’s not time to have the conversation. Remember that it’s your responsibility to be honest when people hurt you. Others are not able to read your mind, so you must address situations where you’ve had your feelings hurt.
Adjust Your Approach Based on the Person
Handling confrontation effectively often means understanding the person you’re dealing with. Different people respond better to different approaches. Some might appreciate a direct approach, while others might need a gentler touch. With practice, you’ll get a feel for how to express your concerns in the best way for each individual. Practice having these confrontations and you’ll keep getting better. One approach we use is while you’re letting it marinate, write down things you’ll want to say during the conversation. This helps to keep your thoughts ordered and calm. Remember to always give yourself time to process and prepare beforehand.
How Do I Handle Someone Confronting Me?
Set Ground Rules
If you’re able to take some time before confronting the other person to set some ground rules before the conversation starts, that can help the conversation keep moving when things become too heated. Some common ground rules you may want to keep in mind are:
- No yelling
- No interrupting
- Focus on feelings, not accusations
- Fully listen before responding
- Take pauses and breaks
- Be honest and clear about expectations and feelings
It’s helpful to have all parties agree to the ground rules before starting and agree to table the discussion for another time if the conversation escalates. Sometimes utilizing a mediator is necessary in order to have a healthy conversation. When finding a mediator, make sure to find a neutral party that won’t take sides during the conversation. You want someone who has no emotional investment in the conflict.
Actively Listen
When someone is confronting you, it can be tempting to jump right in and try to explain yourself, but this isn’t helpful. Instead, try letting them speak fully and really listen to what they’re saying. It can be helpful to remind yourself that you’ll have time to explain your side after they’re finished speaking. A helpful tip to let the other person know you were listening is to summarize what they just said back to them and ask them if what you heard is right. You can say something along the lines of “What I’m hearing you say is that you felt ignored when I interrupted you in the meeting last week. Is that what you’re saying?” Afterwards, you can apologize for hurting them and then explain your true intentions by saying something like “I’m sorry you felt ignored when I interrupted you. I was really excited about my own idea and didn’t mean to upset you or make you feel looked over.”
Be empathetic
When you’re being confronted, it can sometimes feel like an attack which makes us already on the defense. Instead of playing defense, try to put yourself in their shoes and see things from their perspective. Be curious in your approach, and try to understand where they might be coming from. Ask lots of questions and try to see how you may have played a role in their hurt.
Brainstorm solutions
Brainstorming solutions for the future can lead to healing and a team mentality. Make sure you set clear expectations and boundaries moving forward. If you can’t come to a compromise, it’s best to table the discussion to brainstorm separately. Make sure you schedule a time to come back and readdress how you both plan to move forward.
Avoiding Conflict
One way that you can avoid conflict is to find your leadership style and adjust to a more accommodating style that works best for your group. Leadership styles that were found to be most effective at handling conflict management were those that emphasized a collaborative, multifaceted, and dynamic process.
Another way to learn about conflict is to figure out your conflict management style. This can help you to assess your leadership and grow. Women’s Leadership Today has a great, quick quiz that can help you figure out how you process and manage conflict.
How Can I Prepare for a Confrontation with Someone?
An article by SkillPath listed these questions and we thought they were genius. Ask yourself these questions to make sure you’re clear-headed, have a path to the conversation, and your heart is in the right place:
- Why are we having this conversation, and what do I hope to achieve? Is my goal supportive of the other person or punishing?
- What are my assumptions about the other person’s goals for this conversation?
- Am I emotionally prepared for this meeting? What feelings are being triggered by this situation, and how does my history explain those triggers?
- How is my attitude about the impending conversation influencing my approach to it? Can I focus on the good that could come from this rather than worrying about the negative?
- What do I know about the other person? What could he or she want, and what are his or her fears? Could I make this person a partner rather than an adversary?
- What are my fears? Do we have common concerns?
- What have I done so far to contribute to the problem at hand? What do I believe the other person has contributed to the problem?
Remember to AVOID confrontations when:
- You haven’t prepared yourself for the confrontation mentally and emotionally
- Emotions are too heightened for a rational discussion.
- There isn’t enough time to deal with the issue constructively
- You need to pick your battles and you KNOW nothing will be resolved
- You’ve tried confrontation with this person before and you need a mediator.
How Do I Handle Conflict in the Church Biblically?
Conflict in the church isn’t just likely, it’s promised. Jesus said that if we were going to be like Him, then people would hate us just like they hated Him (Mattew 10:22). He did however give us ways to handle confrontation in a biblical way. He tells us in Matthew 18:15 “if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.” Healthy confrontation that’s done in love and empathy is biblical. Notice that the goal is to “have won them over.” Jesus’s whole goal for confrontation was unity and peace for each member. In James 1:19, he encourages us to be “swift to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger.”
FAQs – For My Girlies Who Skim
How do I handle confrontation?
Handling confrontation is made up of three general parts: reflect on how you’ve been a part of the problem, express your feelings of inner conflict and hurt, and brainstorm solutions and expectations moving forward. Confrontation doesn’t have to be hard, we just have to reframe it into a positive light in our minds.
What is conflict management?
Conflict management is the use of skills, tools, and processes that can help to diffuse conflict between individuals or groups. Learning your specific type of conflict management style and the pros and cons that go along with it can help you become a more effective leader, team member, and peacemaker.
How to handle conflict in the church biblically?
In Matthew 18:15 Jesus says “if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.” What Jesus is trying to do is bring peace and reunification between people who are in conflict. As Christians, our goal in confronting someone is never to be “right,” but to find peace and unity for ourselves and our brother and sister in Christ.
Why am I afraid of conflict?
Fear of conflict is common and natural, but you don’t have to stay in constant fear of disagreements. The most common reasons behind the negative connotations of conflict are fears of failure and rejection, overwhelming feelings, lack of time or energy to process the situation, and a lack of confidence. Once you can identify the reason behind your anxiety about the conflict, you can work to reframe those thoughts in your mind in order to confront someone in a healthy way.
